Trauma and social relationships

Stress and trauma deeply affect our mental well-being and can significantly impact our relationships with others. This can include affecting the way we think, feel, and behave in relationships. 

It is very common for people who have experienced trauma to notice changes or challenges in their relationships, including difficulties with:

• Intimacy and trust
• Sex drive
• Communication
• Avoiding people, places, or conversations
• Attachment (e.g., feeling overdependent, detached, or overprotective of others)

Several kinds of relationships can be impacted after stressful or traumatic experiences. These can include your professional relationships with:

• Superiors
• Mentees
• Teammates and colleagues

As well as relationships outside of work, including:

• Partners
• Children
• Parents and family members
• Friends
• Pets
• Strangers

How does trauma affect your social relationships?

Trauma can impact your relationships and social life in multiple ways.

Impacts of trauma	Symptoms
Thoughts	How you think about yourself, your body, or your value (e.g., negative self-image)How deserving you feel of love, affection, or praise from othersHow much you feel you can trust and rely on yourself or othersYour beliefs about how safe or fair the world isHow you understand the thoughts and feelings of other peopleYour ability to concentrate during interactions with others or resolve conflict
Feelings	You’re easily startled and hypervigilant, meaning always on edge or worried that something bad will happenIt’s difficult for you to unwind or feel relaxedYou have a loss of interest in the people, places, or activities you used to enjoyYou feel emotionally numb, meaning empty or hollowYou find it difficult to experience sympathy or empathy for other people, even your closest loved onesYou’re easily irritated or impatient, even about things you used to be able to (or think you should be able to) tolerate
Behaviours	You have difficulty sleeping, which can lead to excessive tiredness and fatigueYou have angry outbursts or a “short fuse” with those closest to youYou withdraw socially and isolate yourselfYou avoid people or places that you used to spend time aroundYou have increased conflict with those closest to youYou engage in other (potentially unhelpful) coping strategies, such as self-harm and substance use

If you have experienced trauma and developed one or a combination of these symptoms, you may become caught in a cycle of:

1. Increased irritability or discomfort around others
2. Withdrawing, pushing others away, or even noticing others pull away from you
3. Feeling disconnected, abandoned, and/or unworthy — which may further increase your irritability or discomfort around others

Tips for family and friends

Social support is extremely important to recovery from trauma. You can share these tips with your family and friends.

1. Help your loved one create routines. Structure and predictable schedules can restore a sense of stability and security to someone who has experienced trauma. Create routines that involve having your loved one help with groceries or housework (e.g., maintaining regular times for meals).
2. Speak to your loved one about the future and make plans. This can help counteract the common feeling among people who have experienced trauma that their future is limited.
3. Help your loved one remember their strengths. Encourage them to believe they are capable of recovery. Remind them of their strengths, positive qualities, and successes.
4. Help your loved one identify and manage triggers. Ask your loved one about helpful things they’ve done in the past to respond to a trigger — as well as whatever things they tried that didn’t help them. Then come up with a joint game plan for how you will respond together in the future.
5. Ask your loved one directly how you can help. For example, you can ask: “What can I do to help you right now?” Ask if a timeout or change of scenery will be useful.
6. Be a good listener. Don’t push a person who has experienced trauma to talk about it. If they choose to share, listen without expectations or judgments. Make it clear that you’re interested and that you care, but don’t worry about giving advice. It’s the act of listening attentively — not what you say — that is most helpful to your loved one.
7. Educate yourself about trauma and posttraumatic stress injury (PTSI). The more you know about trauma’s symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one, understand what they are going through, and keep things in perspective.
8. Accept (and expect) mixed feelings. As you support your loved one, be prepared for a complicated mix of feelings — including anger or frustration. Remember to tend to your own emotions while supporting your loved one.

Strategies for social relationships after experiencing trauma

Pace yourself

Don’t expect too much from yourself too soon. Take social breaks even when you are feeling good. Allow yourself more downtime — or “you” time — than you typically would.

Identify your triggers

Pay attention to your mind and body. Notice when something feels good or bad. When someone or something upsets you, don’t judge that person or your emotional response. Instead, get curious. Ask yourself if you’re upset about the current moment or if you’re reacting to a reminder of a past stressful situation.

Ask for help

Often, others want to help us,  but they don’t know how. Think about the ways those close to you could make you feel cared for and supported. Share this information with them.

Write a letter

Write a letter — which you don’t have to send — to your loved ones expressing your gratitude for their impact on your life. In the first half of the letter, write about the positive ways that they made you feel supported before you experienced trauma. In the second half, describe the ways you would like them to better support you now that you have.